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I have been married for almost two years. I disclosed everything to my wife before we got married.

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She wanted to know how many women I had slept with, which was only six. She told me she had only had sex with one man — her boyfriend extdeme four years — and I was her second.

I told her that her being defensive and argumentative tells me she did not disclose her complete sexual history to me. If she had lied to me about her sexual history I would consider it deception and would no longer trust her.

Is that a threat? Why is it preoccupying you so much? Will numbers satisfy you?

Or is it qualitative descriptions you are indeppendent, a checklist of positions tried? Yes, it would have been good for her to feel comfortable enough to tell you the full story, and for all we know she did. Before the relationship began you both enjoyed lives that included numerous experiences, some of which you may be proud of, some less so.

Marriage is simply an agreement between two people to commit to each other in the future, not some sort of bonded indenture where your partner gets full rights to your past. It should make no difference at all whether your wife has had a couple or scores of lovers, so long as her focus and sexual interests are ectreme zoomed in on you.

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I suspect you are hung up on the numbers partly because you are insecure about your own sexual experience. Allowing such insecurity into your relationship will only ensure its decline.

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Sex is not about quantity of partners but quality of experience. Fumbling first nights, fuelled by adrenalin, alcohol and chemical stimulants may tick boxes for furtive thrills, but the most satisfying sexual encounters occur between two people who know each other well enough to express their deepest desires, push the boundaries and explore their fantasies.

Fretting about where those fantasies spring from, who inspired them or what failed experiments have gone before and with whom will do nothing to enhance your sexual relationship.

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To think you know everything about a person is a delusion. We are all mysteries, to those close to us and even to ourselves.

How delicious is the thought that this complex creature you love and desire has chosen to share a life with you. Whatever romantic adventures in her past, many or few, that led her to your door should be experiences you are grateful for, not determined to forensically examine and tot up. One ihdependent the things I envy least among young lovers now is the extent to which their past is laid bare.

Living a life like mine, partly in the spotlight of public scrutiny, you learn to value the parts of life that you can keep to yourself. My advice is to stop gnawing on this bone.

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She may well have underestimated her headcount if she felt your questioning was judgmental rather than driven by genuine interest. Asking someone the maths on their past sexual partners is, if you really think about it, which I believe you should, an extremely unsatisfactory way of getting to know them better. If you have a dilemma, send a brief email wmoen mariella.

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The dilemma I have been married for almost two years. Mariella replies Is that a threat?

Topics Relationships Dear Mariella. Order by newest oldest recommendations.

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